I took Luke to meet some great church friends today at McDonald's. Right when we got there he ran off and started playing with the most precious girl. She had big brown eyes and long dark brown hair. She was just beautiful. A few minutes later he yelled to me, "Hey mommy, guess what my friend's name is? ALEXIS!!!"
At first it took my breath away, but then I just smiled. Not that I know what Alexis would have been like, but I envisioned a dark brown eyed, dark brown haired, smiley little girl (just like myself). I thought she would be fun and spunky (just like Luke and myself). That's what that little girl was like. Luke played with her for a long time.
When I think about Alexis I feel a myriad of different feelings (sometimes more than one at the same time). I feel sadness that she isn't here with us, I feel happiness that she is with Jesus in Heaven, I feel anger that I'll never get to enjoy having my daughter here on earth, I feel disappointment that I will never get to have those mother-daughter times with her here, etc.
I know that life goes on, but I also know that anytime I hear Alexis' name or see girls that remind me of what I thought she would be like or any of the other reminders of her (butterflies, sweet baby girl stuff, and twins), I will feel different feelings. That is normal and a part of life without the ones we love. I don't ever want to forget her and know that I won't. That's the amazing thing about being a mother. You carry your children and love them before you ever hold them. Thank You God for that!