Thursday, January 13, 2011

The Hard Questions to Answer

I've gotten these questions so many times and everytime I get them I immediately go blank. The questions are, "How many children do you have?" and "Did you have a boy or a girl?"

"How many children do you have?"
That is a hard one. Obviously I have two living children, Luke who is almost 5 and Nathan who is 3 1/2 months old. But I also have my precious daughter, Alexis, who I carried for 35 weeks and lost the day she was born. I had a tangible baby that grew, kicked, and had a heartbeat everyday until the last. I spent 24 hours a day with her for 35 weeks and connected with her in a way that only mothers understand. I got to hold her even though she had passed away already. We had a funeral service for her that people attended just like if someone had been born and lived on this earth. People that knew me then knew about her and my loss. Do I tell people, "I have 3 children, 2 boys on this earth and a precious daughter in heaven?" I also lost 2 babies at the 6 week mark in my pregnancy. I only knew them for 2 weeks, but I also loved them immensely. I know that they are in heaven because they have souls and that one day I will meet them. Do I tell people, "I have 5 children, 2 boys on this earth, a precious daughter in heaven, and 2 babies that I didn't carry long enough to know who they were?" It's difficult.

"Did you have a boy or a girl?"
I get this question when I tell people I have a baby (when he isn't with me). Then I get, "Did you have a boy or a girl?" I had both a boy and a girl. It's so hard because I don't want to dump my loss on a perfect stranger, so I just say, "I have a boy." Of course I think, "That doesn't sound right." It's also difficult.

I guess these are the questions I won't know the answers to forever. I just try to make strangers comfortable so I don't talk about Alexis at all. It actually hurts. Talking about her gives her life and meaning. Keeping it all in hurts.