Thursday, April 14, 2011

No Words

I found out today that my friends are going to lose their triplets. On Monday (roughly 18 weeks), Baby A's amniotic sac ruptured and he lost his fluid. This is obviously pretty life threatening to the baby but they were hoping that Babies B and C and mom would be okay. Well today it took a turn for the worse and she got a uterine infection. So she is currently delivering the babies. Since they are only 18 weeks, they will not survive.

Even going through a miscarriage and even a stillbirth, I seriously can't find words to describe how I feel for them. It's just heartbreaking. I am just praying that they find comfort, peace, and strength.

I thought of Alexis a lot since I heard. I think of her a lot as it is, but this time it was different. I've pictured her in heaven with Jesus preparing to welcome them home. I look forward to the day when she welcomes me.

This is a verse I have clung to:

Revelation 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

“I Know How You Feel”

When bad things happen, the last thing someone wants to hear from someone who has never experienced what they are going through is, "I know how you feel." I can honestly say there is no way you can know how someone feels unless you yourself have walked through that experience. I know this and can say this because before I miscarried, I had no clue how it felt to miscarry. I had no clue the sadness, disappointment, grief, frustration, anger, and hurt that went with it. I had no clue that I would think, "Will I ever have children?" "Is there something wrong with me?" "Did I do something wrong?" "Am I not meant to be a mother?" I had no clue that trying again would be scary and overwhelming. I had no clue that when I got pregnant again I would be nervous every second until I saw those beating hearts at 8 weeks and the risk went down (and then until 12 weeks since there were two and the risks were higher). I had no clue.

Before I delivered Alexis Faith stillborn, I had no clue how it felt to have a stillborn child. I had no clue that I wasn't safe after the 12 week mark (the 18 week mark, the 24 week mark, the 32 week mark). I had no clue that I would feel her one day and she would be gone the next. I had no clue that I would see a fuzzy spot on the screen where her heartbeat was supposed to be. I had no clue the intense pain and heartbreak that I would feel with just a few little words, "Baby B doesn't have a heartbeat." I had no clue how hard I could cry in just a few minutes. I had no clue how painful it was to call family and say, "Alexis passed away." I had no clue the numbness I would feel as I walked out of the doctor's office, drove the 20 minute drive home, and then back to the hospital, and waited to deliver. I had no clue how horrible not hearing my baby girl cry in the delivery room would be. I had no clue how holding a baby with no life would feel so surreal yet so real. I had no clue how painful it would be to go home with only one baby. I had no clue how awful it would be to walk in the nursery and see her things everywhere. I had no clue what I would be like to bury a teeny tiny baby (I had no clue that they made caskets that small). I had no clue how hard it would be to try to hold it together every time I hugged someone and heard "We are so sorry for your loss." I had no clue that it would rip my heart out packing up all of her cute pink and purple baby clothes and bedding and gear. I had no clue how awful it would be to have to talk to my 4 year old son about his sister's death. I had no clue that for months my heart, my arms, my body, and my soul would ache for Alexis so bad that just breathing would feel impossible. I had no clue.

Now I can say, "I know how you feel," when a friend has a miscarriage or stillbirth. Although our situations can be different, losing a baby (or babies) puts us in a unique club that no one wants to be a part of. Every time I hear, "I had a miscarriage," "I lost my baby," or "Our baby might not make it," my heart breaks all over again. I hate hearing those words from anyone. I wouldn't wish baby loss on my worst enemy (not that I really have any enemies that I know of). Even though no one wants to lose a baby, I am thankful that there is compassion and understanding and support from people who've been through it. It's my prayer that I am able to help those who miscarry or birth a still baby. I pray all the time that God uses my suffering for His glory. I often think of that song, "Lord I Offer You My Life," by Hillsong. I want to give Him all that I've been through to use it to His glory.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Bring the Rain

These are the lyrics to one of my favorite songs from the past 6 months. I think it describes everything I've been going through and how I feel. I would rather have rain with Jesus than sunny skies without Him.

Bring the Rain
by MercyMe

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

Friday, April 1, 2011

A Place of Thus Far

My wonderful friend, Tricia, sent this to me today. I wanted to remember it and share it. I know a lot of my readers have their suffering as well. Hope it touches you. God is so awesome! He will bring us through anything and everything that this world dishes out. We just have to depend on Him all the time. I am reminded of the song, "I Need Thee (Every Hour)". It's so true. I am thankful that He brings us "thus far".

A Place of Thus Far

31 Mar 2011

by Wendy Pope

"Then King David went in and sat before the LORD and
said, 'Who am I, O Lord GOD, and what is my house,
that you have brought me thus far?'"
2 Samuel 7:18 (ESV)

Have you ever been in a place of "thus far?" A place where you are experiencing God's blessing and favor on your life. Not blessings and favor by the world's standards of materialism and wealth, but by the Lord's standard of provision, protection, providence, and peace that come from walking in His presence daily.

I want to be in that place of faith, like David, following the Lord's leading and trusting His ways, not my own. I want to meet regularly with the Lord, sitting and taking summary of all He has done for me. With thankfulness and humility, I want to say, "Who am I that you have brought me thus far?"

Oh the places David had seen in his lifetime! From grassy meadows to the splendor of palace life. From dirty fields tending sheep to hiding in a drafty cave, and then to the throne itself, King David arrived at a place of "thus far" in his life. He had experienced every emotion that exists, from confidence to fear, love to hate, and sadness to joy. After all that King David had been through I can certainly understand why he needed to go sit before the LORD and ask, "Who am I?"

He was overwhelmed with the goodness of God and the faithfulness he had experienced. He had been through some of the toughest situations a person could go through, yet he remained faithful and God gave David his reward. Yet, I have to think the reward of kingship and royalty paled in comparison to knowing the goodness and faithfulness of God.

Have you been there? Life has taken twists, turns, and changes at every bend, yet somehow for a season you have arrived at a place of seeing spiritual blessings from the Lord. Yet you realize your place of thus far pales in comparison to knowing and experiencing the goodness and faithfulness of God.

No matter what current circumstances you find yourself in, with our Living God there is always a place of "thus far" waiting around the next bend. This is a place of celebration, praise, complete humility and gratitude before the Lord. I have discovered the hardships we go through are all worthwhile when we get to our place of "thus far." From a grateful heart, we can pour our blessings back out to the Lord as we cry, "Who I am Lord, that you have brought me thus far?"

Dear Lord, forgive me when I don't sit and take summary of Your tremendous favor in my life. Your blessings are far superior to anything this world can give me. Help me to remember my place of "thus far" when Your plan for my life leads me to another season that may be risky and cause me to walk by faith and not by sight. I offer this praise of thanksgiving to You. In Jesus' Name, Amen

6 Butterflies

Today Luke and I were doing his school work and we opened a book and on the cover page there were 6 butterflies. To some that might seem like a coincidence, but I know my God is awesome and knows everything about me and exactly what I need each minute of each day. I know He placed those 6 butterflies there and directed me to open that book today. The funny thing is that we were supposed to read that book yesterday but were a day behind on home school since we went out to do errands yesterday. God is just so amazing to me everyday!!! Thank you God for butterflies!!!