Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Lost Innocence

When I was pregnant with Luke I had this innocence. I found out I was pregnant and told the whole world (well everyone that I knew). I never worried one second about anything and the word "miscarriage" was foreign to me. I had a perfect pregnancy and didn't even have an ounce of morning sickness. Yes you can hate me. LOL. I did get to carry him an "extra" 8 days and had a 26 hour labor with a c-section to finally get him out, so I guess I got some payback for such a smooth pregnancy. I had no fears, no worries. I just assumed, "You get pregnant, you stay pregnant, and you have a baby at the end."

Then a few years down the road, I got pregnant again. Again, I had this innocence about me. Again, I told everyone including my 500 Facebook friends. And then the unthinkable happened...I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks. I never thought in a million years that I would lose a baby. I knew it happened but I just didn't think it would happen to me. I lived in a little bubble of innocence. The doctor called it a "chemical pregnancy" and told me I would probably get pregnant really easily again and it probably wouldn't happen again.

Well a couple of months later, I was pregnant again. I was so happy but this time I had my concerns, "What if I have an early miscarriage again? What if it doesn't take? I don't think I could go through that again." Well at almost 8 weeks, I started spotting. I just knew it was happening again. I was so sad. When we went for the 8 week ultrasound I just wanted to see a healthy baby. I got my prayer times two. We saw two healthy babies. I remember seeing that second heartbeat and just being so happy and overwhelmed with gratitude to God.

I remember being a little nervous about losing one or both because I knew that the chances were higher. When we got to 12 weeks and saw them both so perfect on the ultrasound I was relieved. I had gotten to "THE SAFETY POINT." You know, all the bad stuff happens in the 1st trimester, or so I innocently believed. I thought that we were good to go. I enjoyed the 2nd trimester feeling the kicks, feeling better, eating, and growing our babies. We had extra ultrasounds so I got to see that they were perfect everytime. It was awesome. I just knew everything was going to be okay.

Fast forward to our 35 week ultrasound. On October 1st, 2010, I heard the worst news I've ever heard in my life, "Baby B doesn't have a heartbeat and has passed away." Baby B was my sweet Alexis Faith. I've never hurt or cried so hard in my life. I've never seen my husband so broken. It was the worst day of my life coupled with one of the best days of my life as it was the day our son, Nathan Reid, was born. It was the most surreal day of my life. I had to experience such joy and such pain within seconds of each other.

The past few months have been filled with happiness, sadness, joy, grief, pain, heartbreak, and lots of personal and spiritual reflection. One of the harder things to deal with is my lost innocence. Everytime I hear of a baby about to be born, I wonder, "Will they be still born?" I never thought of that before in my life. I just assumed, "You get pregnant, you stay pregnant (especially when you get to a certain point), and you have a baby at the end." Now I always wonder, "Will they actually have a baby at the end?"

I hate that I wonder that. I hate that the first thing my mind goes to is stillbirth or miscarriage. I hate that my innocence is gone.

I know that if I get pregnant again that I will give the pregnancy and baby to God just like I always do, but I know that I will have those thoughts creep in. "Will there be a baby at the end?" I will enjoy my pregnancy and hope and plan and prepare, but I know that those thoughts will creep in. I am praying now that God will give me complete peace and comfort for any future pregnancies and babies I may have.


  1. I think the same thing all the time. Every time I see a newly pregnant couple shouting it from the rooftops as soon as they get that first positive pregnancy test I want to scream, "No! No! Stop! You don't know what might happen!" But I have to stop myself. Sometimes, yes, there have been miscarriages but for the most part these pregnancies have been successful. I've learned to bite my tongue and try to gain back some of that innocence by living vicariously through the naivety of others! Sometimes ignorance truly is bliss!!

  2. Lindsey, I know what you mean. It's hard for me when I hear, "We are past the first trimester so everything is going to be fine." I think, "How nice to be so naive."