It seems like everywhere I go or anything I do, I am confronted with reminders of my loss (not that I really need reminders). Since Alexis was a twin, whenever I see twins, especially boy-girl twins, it reminds me of what I was so excited about only 3 weeks ago. We've been watching a lot of shows on Netflix since I am nursing/pumping 8 hours a day and holding Nathan for what seems like the rest.
Our favorite shows all seem to have twins on them:
- Jon & Kate Plus 8 (the older episodes) - Mady & Cara are twins, plus they have a daughter named Alexis Faith
- Little People, Big World - the oldest two are twins
- 17 (18) Kids and Counting - they have two sets of fraternal twins (the older set is boy-girl twins and they are prominently featured on the show)
- Rugrats - Phil & Lil are twins
When I go places I am reminded of things that I planned to do with them:
- At the park I see the baby swing that I planned to put them back to back in
- When we get out the stroller I think about the double stroller that we were going to use to put our two precious babies in
When we are sitting around at night watching TV after Luke is in bed and I am holding Nathan, I feel like Lee should be holding Alexis. We talked about this all the time.
As we put things away that we had planned to use for her/both of them (like the double stroller, the double co-sleeper, and of course all of her stuff), it is just such a reminder that the world we planned with Luke and our twins, Nathan and Alexis, is just so different. To be honest, it just doesn't feel right at all.
I cling to the knowledge that God has a perfect plan for everything and that He works all things together for the good, but it doesn't make it easy, just bearable at this point. I know that I will think of her and be reminded of her forever.