I will admit that I have always been a worrier. I have been afraid of many things in my life, from the normal to the insane things that would most likely never even happen. I have been known to have anxiety and panic attacks. I even went through a season of complete worry, fear, and anxiety. I had daily (actually multiple times a day) panic and anxiety attacks. It was completely debilitating. I remember sitting in church listening to the pastor and just starting to have this cloud of worry and anxiety come over me. I would feel like I couldn't breathe. It was crazy. The only thing that stopped it was verbally (almost yelling) prayers to God and quoting Scriptures (2 Tim 1:7 was a big one).
Well when I was pregnant with Nathan and Alexis, I had some worries, but not as many as I thought I would have. I prayed a lot to have peace and God gave it to me. As we passed milestones (8 weeks, 12 weeks, 24 weeks, and each week past 24) and I was doing so great, the worry went completely away. I had no dream that when I went in for my 35 week ultrasound that we would find out what we found out. I figured worst case scenario we would deliver early due to growth issues or fluid issues, but I was not expecting, "Baby B doesn't have a heartbeat."
Like I've said in previous posts, God gave me a complete peace about Nathan from the second I knew something wasn't right with Alexis. I can't even completely explain it, I just remember bowing my head right there on that table and saying, "God, whatever it is, please help us get through this." He told me, "Alexis is gone, Nathan is going to be fine." It was surreal. When the doctor came in, my worst fears and what I believed I heard from God was realized. As we got prepared to deliver Nathan I may have still been in shock but I truly believe God's peace was enveloping me as I had not a single worry about Nathan. I knew he was going to be fine.
In the almost 6 months since we welcomed Nathan into this world and said goodbye to Alexis, I have thought countless times about having more children. Lee and I have always hoped that God-willing, we would have 3-4 children. I still want those children if it is in God's plan for our lives. I have 3 now and would love to have 1 or 2 more (or more if God sees fit). Some people wonder, "Will you be afraid? Will you worry every day?" Well I am not completely sure how I will be when and if I am pregnant again, but I can honestly say that right now I have got this almost surreal freedom from worry, fear, and anxiety.
I don't worry much anymore. I rely heavily upon prayer and Scripture and God's peace which surpasses understanding. The minute something comes up to possibly worry about, I take it directly to God, and say, "Lord I give this to You. Please give me freedom from worry, fear, and anxiety. If I start to worry or be fearful or anxious, please bring to mind a Scripture to give me peace about that exact issue." And you know what, He does. God is so faithful even when we are not. God is just amazing! I've always known that, but now I believe it with all my heart. He will bring us through anything and everything we go through in this life if we just rely upon Him at all times.