Friday, March 25, 2011

1 Year Since We Found Out There Were 2

Well it's been one year, 365 days, since we found out there were two. Here is what I wrote that day:

March 25th, 2010

So today I went to my first official doctor's appointment. I had blood drawn a couple of times to check the HCG levels right after I found out. Today was my 8 week appointment where you get the full physical (won't go into that), they check your blood again, and give you an ultrasound (at least that is how they do it at my doctor's office).

Well after I had had all the less-fun stuff done, we did the ultrasound. After what happened last time I prayed that I would see a healthy baby. We did!!! She measured the baby and (s)he measured right at the due date. We saw the heartbeat and listened to it (one of the most amazing things in the world). The heartbeat was strong. Tears had already filled my eyes and my heart was full.

Then the technician said, "Here's something you probably didn't expect." I said, "Twins?!?!" She said, "YES!" I said, "Are you serious?!" She said, "YES!" Then we checked to make sure it wasn't just an empty sac. It's crazy how quickly Lee and I both thought, "Please let it be another healthy baby." Sure enough we saw another blob. She measured it and it measured around the same as the first. Then we saw another strong heartbeat. This time laughter filled the room.

Everything looked great. We got the whole run-down on twins (more check-ups, more ultrasounds, what else to expect). The due date is the same (November 5th) but they said we hope to go 37 weeks (October 15th). We are thrilled to add two blessings to our family this Autumn.

If you could keep me and the babies in your prayers that would be great.

I can still remember the entire appointment like it was yesterday, from the anxiety going in hoping to just see a healthy baby (since I had some spotting and a previous miscarriage), to the sense of just thankfulness and gratitude when we saw Nathan, to the surprise and laughter when we saw Alexis. Obviously we didn't know the genders yet, but that day I knew that Nathan was a boy and Alexis was a girl. As time went on I started thinking differently. I should have gone with my first instinct. J I remember asking lots of questions, "So how long will I carry them?" "What special things do I need to do?" I could not imagine how big my belly was going to get (I got huge with Luke).

I remember going to our van. I was in the driver's seat, Lee was in the passenger's seat, and Luke was sitting in his seat in the back. We made the best phone calls we've ever made. We called down the list of people. I would get on the phone and say, "Well the baby looked good. But they saw something that we didn't expect. We are having two babies!!!!!!" Everyone said the same thing, "You are joking." I had to get Lee on the phone every time and have Luke say it from the backseat. Everyone was just so surprised and excited.

I met my sister and friends at the park that day and I remember just being so in awe of this double miracle God had done. I even met a mom with twins that same day. I thought that was definitely a God thing.

That night the reality started hitting more. Lee and I went through a million thoughts and questions, laughing and being a little nervous to be honest. But we knew that God gave us these babies for a reason and that He would provide for our needs. And sure enough He did. My prayer the entire pregnancy was that He would get us through whatever was to come. Of course I prayed for my health, the babies' health, full term gestation, and all of that, but what I really prayed for was that God would be there no matter what. And you know what? He was and is.

From the very minute I knew something wasn't right with Alexis, I prayed to God and He put a peace in my heart that is still unexplainable. I think a lot about Philippians 4:6-7. God's peace surpasses all earthly understanding. I honestly never truly knew what that meant until the worst day of my life (so far) happened. But God was there. He was right there in that ultrasound room as I didn't see a heartbeat, He was right there in the exam room when we heard, "Baby B doesn't have a heartbeat", He was right there with us as we made the worst phone calls we've ever made to our family telling them about Alexis' passing, He was right there as we put ourselves together to go out into a waiting room full of pregnant women (we didn't want to upset anyone else), He was right there as we drove home and took care of a few things and packed our stuff, He was right there as we drove to the hospital, He was right there in that hospital room as I waited to meet Nathan and say goodbye to Alexis, He was right there in the delivery room as I heard the glorious sound of one baby crying and the heart wrenching silence of another not crying 2 minutes later, He was right there as I met my son and was filled with joy, He was right there when I met my daughter for that split second, He was right there as we dealt with the overwhelming awesomeness of a new life in our presence and the even more overwhelming sadness of a loss greater than any I've ever experienced, He was right there as we made funeral plans for our precious daughter, He was right there as we went home with only one baby and faced a van with an empty pink car seat, He was right there as we drove home without our baby girl, He was right there as we got home to an empty crib and pink and purple baby stuff we were not going to get to use, He was right there as we buried our baby girl on a beautiful Autumn day, He was right there as we packed all of her things away in boxes and bins, He was right there every time I lost it, every time I got angry and yelled "WHY?!?!?!?!", He was right there and is right here every second of every day. He is here.

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