Memorial Day Weekend

One year ago, Memorial Day Weekend 2010, is such a strong memory. I remember being 17 weeks pregnant (and looking about 25 weeks pregnant) and being a week away from finding out the babies' genders. I was so eager to find out so we could name them, buy stuff, and put together their nursery. It was also one of those times that we said, "This time next year, we will have two 7 month old baby twins to bring to the beach." Lee and I, as well as our family, looked so forward to so many things with the babies, just like we did when we were pregnant with Luke. So when we went to the beach this weekend, I couldn't help but be a little sad. I know that sounds strange since we are so blessed to have our two precious boys, but I do get sad when I realize she isn't here. All of those plans and hopes are not going to happen the way we planned and hoped. I just have to remember that God's plan is greater than ours and my hope is in Him and my future. I am often reminded of the verse, Jeremiah 29:11 –

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

The Journey to Become a “Real Mother”

The Journey to Become a "Real Mother"

For me, the journey to motherhood began when I was a small child. I can remember so fondly playing with babies. I didn't just play with them…to me they were as real as they could be. I named each one of them, dressed them, cared for them, and took them with me everywhere I went. I had a particular baby named Lauren who looked so real that sometimes people thought she was. I would carry her everywhere and would cry if I had to leave her in the car. I knew that no good mother would leave her baby in the car when she went to eat or shop. I longed for the day when I would be a "real mother."

As the years went by, babies turned into Barbies. Whenever I played with Barbies, it was always the same storyline…Boy and girl meet, they fall in love, they get married, they "buy" a big house, and they have babies. I remember stuffing toilet paper into the Barbies' clothes so they would look pregnant. Yes, I was quite realistic. I longed for the day when I would be a "real mother."

Some more years went by and I began baby-sitting. Oh how I loved baby-sitting. I loved playing with the kids so much. I loved reading books to them and telling them stories. I loved making them snacks and food. I loved rocking them and singing to them and putting them to bed and watching as they fell asleep. I loved it all. I jumped at every opportunity to baby-sit, even through my young adult years. I longed for the day when I would be a "real mother."

Then when I was 18 I met the man of my dreams, my now husband, Lee. We dated and from very early on discussed having children. We both said we wanted 3-4 kids and we looked forward to raising them and watching them grow up. We got married at 21 and figured we would wait a few years to be more settled. I longed for the day when I would be a "real mother."

God had greater plans for us. About 10 months later, I got 7 (yes 7) positive pregnancy tests. I was so thrilled. Lee and I made plans, picked out baby names, and got everything ready. I remember seeing that little heartbeat for the first time and finding out his gender. I remember so carefully assembling baby items, laundering and folding baby clothes and putting them away, and so perfectly laying out each thing that he would need. I longed for the day when I would be a "real mother."

Then on January 15^th, 2006, after 26 hours of labor and a c-section, I finally heard the greatest sound in the world, my 8lbs 15oz 20 ½ inch son, Luke Ryan Webber, cried for the very first time. It was one of the greatest days of my life. I remember the first time I ever got to hold him (even as tired and drugged up as I was). I looked into that sweet face and was just overcome with thanksgiving. Finally, I was a "real mother."

Raising Luke is/has been the greatest experience of my life. Nursing him, feeding him, changing him, taking care of him, loving on him, disciplining him, and watching him grow. Seeing all of his milestones – his first tooth, his first words, his first steps. It's just amazing to watch a child grow from a little blip on an ultrasound into a full-sized baby and then into a young person. I always thought, "I can't wait to be a 'real mother' again".

As the years went on, Lee and I started talking about having another child. We waited a while since Luke came earlier than we planned. When we were ready, boy, were we ready. We were blessed to try one month and get pregnant. I was so excited. I longed to be a "real mother" again and it was happening.

Then on Thanksgiving Day 2009, I miscarried. Wow! I was shook to the absolute core. What had happened? What had I done wrong? Was it not the right time? Why did I get pregnant so easily only to lose the baby? I was hurt, angry, disappointed, and felt so out of control. I longed to be a "real mother' again so bad.

I went through about a month of being so disappointed and even angry. Then one day in a church sermon (can't even really remember the message to be honest), God got a hold of me and brought me to tears and to my knees. I went to the altar and laid it all before Him. I told Him everything I was feeling, how hurt and disappointed I was, and how selfish I had been to think it was all about me and my timing for children. I told Him, "Lord if Luke is the only child I ever have, then that is enough. If you want to give me 0 children or 12 children through my own body or through adoption, Lord I just want to be in Your will. It's in Your hands. I commit my fertility, my children, and my life to You." God knew how much I longed to be a "real mother" again, but also knew that I was okay with whatever He saw fit for me.

Well a couple of months later, I got pregnant again. We were thrilled. Again, we started planning things and Luke kept telling us, "Mommy we are going to have twins." We really didn't believe him, but I indulged him saying, "Two babies would be double awesome, wouldn't they?" Well at my 8 week checkup we found out that Luke was right. We were having twins. Wow, I was going to be a "real mother" twice again.

As the pregnancy went on, we planned and prepared for the double blessing. We found out their genders and gave them names. We had baby showers and again, perfectly prepared everything for them. On October 1^st, 2010 at 35 weeks gestation, I heard the worst news I've heard in my personal life, "Baby B doesn't have a heartbeat." To say it felt like a knife into my heart isn't enough. It was just awful. I would not be a "real mother" to Alexis Faith.

We delivered on October 1^st, 2010. At 5:45pm I heard the greatest sound in the world, Nathan Reid Webber, crying for the first time. Exactly two minutes later, I didn't hear anything. That's when Alexis Faith was born. That was the worst "sound" in the world.

Laying to rest my precious daughter a week later was by far one of the hardest days of my life. Aside from the day she was born, I don't think I've ever cried so much. But I realized, I was a "real mother" to Alexis. A "real mother" loves her children and wants the very best for them. I love Alexis with an unfailing, unconditional love. I only ever wanted what was best for her. Well she is in the best place anyone can ever hope to be. She is in Heaven with Jesus Christ. I committed her to the Lord before she was ever conceived and again before she was ever born. I know with every fiber of my being that I am her mother, she is my daughter, and we will be reunited again. I am a "real mother."

I have enjoyed watching Nathan grow and develop over these past 7 months. Being his mother is one of the greatest blessings in my life. God sent him here for a very special purpose. He made him a twin for a very special purpose. He is a gift from God and every day with him is cherished so much. I am so thankful for him. I can honestly say without Nathan, my life would be so different.

The journey to become a "real mother" (so far) has been one of surprises, disappointments, joy, sorrow, happiness, sadness, triumphs, and tragedies, but I can honestly say that I am so glad that I have been able to have the journey. Each part of it has brought me closer to the Lord because most of my journey has been too much for me to carry on my own. He has revealed Himself to me so much through everything. He is always there and will be for the rest of my journey.

As I write this, I have it in my heart so much to have more children. I so long to be a "real mother" again.

No Words

I found out today that my friends are going to lose their triplets. On Monday (roughly 18 weeks), Baby A's amniotic sac ruptured and he lost his fluid. This is obviously pretty life threatening to the baby but they were hoping that Babies B and C and mom would be okay. Well today it took a turn for the worse and she got a uterine infection. So she is currently delivering the babies. Since they are only 18 weeks, they will not survive.

Even going through a miscarriage and even a stillbirth, I seriously can't find words to describe how I feel for them. It's just heartbreaking. I am just praying that they find comfort, peace, and strength.

I thought of Alexis a lot since I heard. I think of her a lot as it is, but this time it was different. I've pictured her in heaven with Jesus preparing to welcome them home. I look forward to the day when she welcomes me.

This is a verse I have clung to:

Revelation 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

“I Know How You Feel”

When bad things happen, the last thing someone wants to hear from someone who has never experienced what they are going through is, "I know how you feel." I can honestly say there is no way you can know how someone feels unless you yourself have walked through that experience. I know this and can say this because before I miscarried, I had no clue how it felt to miscarry. I had no clue the sadness, disappointment, grief, frustration, anger, and hurt that went with it. I had no clue that I would think, "Will I ever have children?" "Is there something wrong with me?" "Did I do something wrong?" "Am I not meant to be a mother?" I had no clue that trying again would be scary and overwhelming. I had no clue that when I got pregnant again I would be nervous every second until I saw those beating hearts at 8 weeks and the risk went down (and then until 12 weeks since there were two and the risks were higher). I had no clue.

Before I delivered Alexis Faith stillborn, I had no clue how it felt to have a stillborn child. I had no clue that I wasn't safe after the 12 week mark (the 18 week mark, the 24 week mark, the 32 week mark). I had no clue that I would feel her one day and she would be gone the next. I had no clue that I would see a fuzzy spot on the screen where her heartbeat was supposed to be. I had no clue the intense pain and heartbreak that I would feel with just a few little words, "Baby B doesn't have a heartbeat." I had no clue how hard I could cry in just a few minutes. I had no clue how painful it was to call family and say, "Alexis passed away." I had no clue the numbness I would feel as I walked out of the doctor's office, drove the 20 minute drive home, and then back to the hospital, and waited to deliver. I had no clue how horrible not hearing my baby girl cry in the delivery room would be. I had no clue how holding a baby with no life would feel so surreal yet so real. I had no clue how painful it would be to go home with only one baby. I had no clue how awful it would be to walk in the nursery and see her things everywhere. I had no clue what I would be like to bury a teeny tiny baby (I had no clue that they made caskets that small). I had no clue how hard it would be to try to hold it together every time I hugged someone and heard "We are so sorry for your loss." I had no clue that it would rip my heart out packing up all of her cute pink and purple baby clothes and bedding and gear. I had no clue how awful it would be to have to talk to my 4 year old son about his sister's death. I had no clue that for months my heart, my arms, my body, and my soul would ache for Alexis so bad that just breathing would feel impossible. I had no clue.

Now I can say, "I know how you feel," when a friend has a miscarriage or stillbirth. Although our situations can be different, losing a baby (or babies) puts us in a unique club that no one wants to be a part of. Every time I hear, "I had a miscarriage," "I lost my baby," or "Our baby might not make it," my heart breaks all over again. I hate hearing those words from anyone. I wouldn't wish baby loss on my worst enemy (not that I really have any enemies that I know of). Even though no one wants to lose a baby, I am thankful that there is compassion and understanding and support from people who've been through it. It's my prayer that I am able to help those who miscarry or birth a still baby. I pray all the time that God uses my suffering for His glory. I often think of that song, "Lord I Offer You My Life," by Hillsong. I want to give Him all that I've been through to use it to His glory.

Bring the Rain

These are the lyrics to one of my favorite songs from the past 6 months. I think it describes everything I've been going through and how I feel. I would rather have rain with Jesus than sunny skies without Him.

Bring the Rain
by MercyMe

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

A Place of Thus Far

My wonderful friend, Tricia, sent this to me today. I wanted to remember it and share it. I know a lot of my readers have their suffering as well. Hope it touches you. God is so awesome! He will bring us through anything and everything that this world dishes out. We just have to depend on Him all the time. I am reminded of the song, "I Need Thee (Every Hour)". It's so true. I am thankful that He brings us "thus far".

A Place of Thus Far

31 Mar 2011

by Wendy Pope

"Then King David went in and sat before the LORD and
said, 'Who am I, O Lord GOD, and what is my house,
that you have brought me thus far?'"
2 Samuel 7:18 (ESV)

Have you ever been in a place of "thus far?" A place where you are experiencing God's blessing and favor on your life. Not blessings and favor by the world's standards of materialism and wealth, but by the Lord's standard of provision, protection, providence, and peace that come from walking in His presence daily.

I want to be in that place of faith, like David, following the Lord's leading and trusting His ways, not my own. I want to meet regularly with the Lord, sitting and taking summary of all He has done for me. With thankfulness and humility, I want to say, "Who am I that you have brought me thus far?"

Oh the places David had seen in his lifetime! From grassy meadows to the splendor of palace life. From dirty fields tending sheep to hiding in a drafty cave, and then to the throne itself, King David arrived at a place of "thus far" in his life. He had experienced every emotion that exists, from confidence to fear, love to hate, and sadness to joy. After all that King David had been through I can certainly understand why he needed to go sit before the LORD and ask, "Who am I?"

He was overwhelmed with the goodness of God and the faithfulness he had experienced. He had been through some of the toughest situations a person could go through, yet he remained faithful and God gave David his reward. Yet, I have to think the reward of kingship and royalty paled in comparison to knowing the goodness and faithfulness of God.

Have you been there? Life has taken twists, turns, and changes at every bend, yet somehow for a season you have arrived at a place of seeing spiritual blessings from the Lord. Yet you realize your place of thus far pales in comparison to knowing and experiencing the goodness and faithfulness of God.

No matter what current circumstances you find yourself in, with our Living God there is always a place of "thus far" waiting around the next bend. This is a place of celebration, praise, complete humility and gratitude before the Lord. I have discovered the hardships we go through are all worthwhile when we get to our place of "thus far." From a grateful heart, we can pour our blessings back out to the Lord as we cry, "Who I am Lord, that you have brought me thus far?"

Dear Lord, forgive me when I don't sit and take summary of Your tremendous favor in my life. Your blessings are far superior to anything this world can give me. Help me to remember my place of "thus far" when Your plan for my life leads me to another season that may be risky and cause me to walk by faith and not by sight. I offer this praise of thanksgiving to You. In Jesus' Name, Amen

6 Butterflies

Today Luke and I were doing his school work and we opened a book and on the cover page there were 6 butterflies. To some that might seem like a coincidence, but I know my God is awesome and knows everything about me and exactly what I need each minute of each day. I know He placed those 6 butterflies there and directed me to open that book today. The funny thing is that we were supposed to read that book yesterday but were a day behind on home school since we went out to do errands yesterday. God is just so amazing to me everyday!!! Thank you God for butterflies!!!